By: Sasha the Demented Mistress
Gather 'round ye bonny lads
And gather 'round ye lasses
And you shall hear the woesome tale
Of Tomak, bane of glasses.
He came boffer sword in hand
Dealing Nerf destruction
He whacked off guts and thighs and butts
Like he was liposuction.
But one man dared to challenge him
The man called Wonder Weenie
In cowboy boots and flowered tights
Like something from Fellini.
"Defend yourself!" the Weenie cried
The two men came to blows
And soon the Weenie's spectacles
Were jammed straight up his nose.
The Weenie fell down to the ground
We thought that he was dead
Until the night he womped all over
Tomak's brother, Fred.
We all were out on Guyfie's lawn
Fear rendered us immobile
As flowered tights glowed through the gloom
Like springtime in Chernobyl.
We herd the Weenie cry, "Revenge!"
His blade came down on Fred.
When Fred went home his glasses were
In bits taped to his head.
Tomak did not take kindly to
This near-blinding of his brother
He swore that he would get revenge
One way or another
He knew the Weenie had a friend
Called Sasha the Demented
Who'd cheerfully fight anyone
With any sword invented.
Now Sasha was not very smart
She took up Tomak's offer
And soon her glasses were impaled
Upon the Wiggle's boffer.
So children, if you boffer fight
Beware the mad Marshwiggle
Flee if you see his boffer sword
Or hear his manic giggle
Or you will take your place among
The stupid, blind and slain
Another notch upon the sword
Of Tomak, Glassesbane.