Tomak Glassesbane

By: Sasha the Demented Mistress

Gather 'round ye bonny lads

And gather 'round ye lasses

And you shall hear the woesome tale

Of Tomak, bane of glasses.


He came boffer sword in hand

Dealing Nerf destruction

He whacked off guts and thighs and butts

Like he was liposuction.


But one man dared to challenge him

The man called Wonder Weenie

In cowboy boots and flowered tights

Like something from Fellini.


"Defend yourself!" the Weenie cried

The two men came to blows

And soon the Weenie's spectacles

Were jammed straight up his nose.


The Weenie fell down to the ground

We thought that he was dead

Until the night he womped all over

Tomak's brother, Fred.


We all were out on Guyfie's lawn

Fear rendered us immobile

As flowered tights glowed through the gloom

Like springtime in Chernobyl.

We herd the Weenie cry, "Revenge!"


His blade came down on Fred.

When Fred went home his glasses were

In bits taped to his head.


Tomak did not take kindly to

This near-blinding of his brother

He swore that he would get revenge

One way or another


He knew the Weenie had a friend

Called Sasha the Demented

Who'd cheerfully fight anyone

With any sword invented.


Now Sasha was not very smart

She took up Tomak's offer

And soon her glasses were impaled

Upon the Wiggle's boffer.


So children, if you boffer fight

Beware the mad Marshwiggle

Flee if you see his boffer sword

Or hear his manic giggle


Or you will take your place among

The stupid, blind and slain

Another notch upon the sword

Of Tomak, Glassesbane.